Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
