Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
