So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
