I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
