i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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