I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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