Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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