there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
