i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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