I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
