Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
