We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
