I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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