Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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