The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
