What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
