OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
