I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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