apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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