You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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