you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We're too hungover to prance.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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