Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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