I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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