i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
