He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
