she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
