How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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