I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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