I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
