i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
