Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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