I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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