I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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