Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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