He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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