My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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