i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
