this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think a kid would responsible me up
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
