someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
