Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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