all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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