12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
