I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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