The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
