The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
