I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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