Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
