Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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