Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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