so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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