You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
