she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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