did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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